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Who Am I? (When no one's watching.)

Is it just me or are we all going just a bit stir crazy? I don't know how you could not be losing it, at this point. We've been living in a social distanced society for weeks now. Now, I'm fortunate enough that I'm still working. Which, I'm extremely grateful for. I am the only female at a company of 11 men and I have had almost no one in my office. The first few days was well... AMAZING. I was so excited to have this place to myself and to be able to really bare down and get some of my work done, without any of the time pirates that tend to consume my days. Then, after about a week, I started to miss the annoying dirt bags. I mean, what's a girl got to do to have some human interaction in her day? Everything has been so stressful and so overwhelming for everyone lately. Even on the rare occasion I do see one of my guys, it's all business and then they're gone. I never thought I'd actually miss them giving me their normal rounds of trash talk. Once I'm done for the day, I go home and I do absolutely nothing. I am definitely not one of the people that have learned a new skill or become super productive or started a new project. If anything, I've gotten a bit depressed. I miss my family, I miss my friends, and I even miss just going out to dinner. If you know me, you know that I love to sit down and share a meal with my people. We bond over food, we come together and share our stories. The "Rona" is really harshing my jam. I know that this is what we have to do to get through this, but damn, I'm ready to go back to some semblance of normal.

I will say this though about being isolated. You learn who you are when you're alone. When there is no one is there to watch you and there's no audience to your antics. You see just how weird you are as a person.

Here's a list of things about me that most people don't know. Some of them I've only recently realized about myself.

  • I make myself laugh, literally, all of the time. I crack myself up, over the smallest, dumbest, most random things.

  • I talk to myself ALL OF THE TIME. I'm doing it right now, as I write this. Sometimes, I even disagree with myself... That's always fun.

  • I love when there is enough frost on the trees, that they all look white in the morning.

  • I love when I leave home just in time to watch the sun crest over the bluffs. It makes my heart happy.

  • I try to use big words to make myself sound and feel smarter than I actually believe that I am.

  • I do not love birds. They are loud and they do not appreciate that I want 5 extra minutes of sleep in the morning.

  • I still sing in my car, at the top of my lungs, and I don't give a flying f*ck who sees me rock out. I'm not performing for you Sir, I'm performing for me, audience of one.

  • I am not a fan of almost any of the new music on the radio. I'd rather listen to my playlist from when I was 15 than listen to most music currently playing on the radio. That's right I've officially become the old person that talks about the music from "back in my day".

  • I'm judgmental as hell. I catch myself looking at people and shaking my damn head at how they are dressed in public or how they are behaving. I have to catch myself and remind myself almost daily that I do not know that person's story. And it's none of my damn business what they do or why they do it. As long as it doesn't hurt them or anyone else, they have the divine right to live their life without my asshole self thinking I have a right to judge their decisions.

  • I am a work in progress. I'm never going to be perfect. I am flawed and I have a ton of baggage. Definitely things I need to work through and move past. Yet, I'm finally realizing that, those things don't reduce my value. I'm worth more than the value I've given myself my entire life.

  • I don't like 95% of the men on dating websites. They give me the heeby jeebies and I'm almost certain that one day very soon I will just decide I'd rather be alone than online date. It is creep central and the few that are on there for a real relationship do not mesh with my personality at all. I find a diamond in the rough every blue moon and for this reason or that, it never seems to work out. And that's okay.

  • I'm probably the messiest Virgo to ever live. I used to call it "organized chaos". It's not, it's just a cluster f*ck of things I'd rather not deal with on a day to day basis. I throw my clothes directly on the floor when I get ready for work or for bed. I have a hamper. I just don't feel the need to use it. That would be silly. I have a few months worth of dishes in my sink. That's right, I said MONTHS. Mind you, I'm like almost never home. So realistically we're talking about a handful of plates and cups and a few pans. But, yes, that's still a few months worth of dishes for me. I hate doing dishes. I'd rather throw everything away and start over. If my budget would allow it, that's exactly what I would do. Or I would hire a cleaning service.

  • I love the way I look when I do my makeup, it makes me feel confident and sexy. I have some fine ass eyes. But, I hate wearing it all day. It makes my face feel suffocated and oily and my eyes are always irritated by the mascara and eye liner. I hate having to wash it off at the end of the day. And honestly? I'd rather get the extra 30 minutes of sleep than piss with doing my makeup every morning. Realistically, I'm more comfortable without it on and I'm damn sure not trying to impress anyone at work.

  • I hate when people touch me. I don't mind a hug, if I know it's coming and I like that person. But, if I don't know you, don't hug me. If I do know you, don't walk up behind me and grab my shoulders or put your hands anywhere near my face. Don't do it. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST STOP. I have a right to my own space and to feel safe in that space. It's not up to you to get me "used to it". It's not your place to decide you're going to make me "a hugger". Who are you and when did you get put in charge of my body and my personal space? Because, I definitely did not get that memo.

  • I am super goofy. I make noises and sounds that would be embarrassing if anyone was around. I like to be weird, but I'm always worried about what people will think. I spend so much time worrying about other people's opinions of me that it should seriously be evaluated by a professional.

  • My favorite part of the day is when I get to go home and walk around in nothing but a t-shirt and underwear. There is nothing better than that moment when I feel comfortable for the first time that day.

  • I have a cat, even though I strongly prefer dogs. They are loyal and sweet and loving. Cat's are the exact opposite. My cat would slice my throat if someone tempted him with a shake of his kitty treats. He has no loyalty. I'm not allowed to pet him, even when he walks directly into my lap or on my chest.

  • I spend way too much time on my phone and or watching TV. It really is a type of addiction. I tell myself I need to get other stuff done, it never happens.

There are so many more, but honestly who has the time? My point is that we're all a little different when no one is watching. We can be our true selves when the curtains are drawn and the audiences are distracted with something else. Be proud of who you are. No matter how; Goofy, Nerdy, Weird, Stupid, Lame, Lazy that you may think that makes you. Be you. You're awesome and you make the world a better place just by being in it.

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Amber C. Smith
Amber C. Smith

Thank you!



I live this

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